When Bryan and I first started this journey I promised to share the things that were going on during this time. I promised to be transparent, that I would share the bad and hard times along with the good and rejoicing times. And that’s exactly what I need to do today…
This past week was the most difficult that we have experienced while on this journey. But before I get to that, I need to make sure you are up to date on things that led up to this past week. Most of you know that we have been on this journey for quite a while. We started the adoption process in April 2014; we took some classes, completed a home study, and in December of last year we were finally approved to be on the wait list. Being on the wait list means expectant moms would have the opportunity to look at our profile of pictures and letters to determine if we would fit with what they are looking for in someone to raise their baby. In October after finding out that our profile had not been shown to any expectant moms we began to get discouraged and wondered if we had made the right choice, if we were with the right agency or even on the right path.
So you can only imagine how excited we were on November 30th when we received an email that our profile had been given to an expectant mom. We were told that the expectant mom had also been given the profile of 2-3 other couples, that she was due the end of December and that we should hear something in the next week but no other information was given. A flood of emotions came over us. We were excited and hopeful but still needed to remain calm until a final decision was made. We initially decided to only tell our parents and siblings the news but as we became more excited and more hopeful we began to tell more and more people. There is definitely positives and negatives that come from telling many people. There are lots of people praying for you and there for you but again there are lots of people asking if you have heard anything and reminding you that you are still anxiously awaiting a very important decision. During this time, it was hard to remain objective. We began talking about how this Christmas could be our best ever. We talked about how maybe our luck had changed and God was going to bless not only us but our families with a new addition. Every night before going to bed, we would pray together for this expectant mom, for the possibility that this was our baby and for other family members that were going through hard times. By December 14th we had still not heard anything and was getting anxious and worried so I emailed our social worker to see about any updates. I was told our social worker had been sick and had not met with the expectant mom but would be meeting with her in a few days. Two days later we get an email that the expectant mom had chosen another couple. We were told the expectant mom wanted someone who was a teacher and went with a couple in which one spouse was a teacher. The mom did give feedback that she loved our profile and that she liked us both and had no negative feedback at all for us.
My heart immediately sank, and the tears began to fall. How do you grieve a loss that was never really yours? How was I going to tell Bryan, who was also so very excited, that we wouldn’t get our Christmas baby this year? And how was I going to break the news to our family and friends who knew and were praying for us? I spent Friday night on the couch crying most of the night and avoiding talking to people. I asked God several times why He had put us through all of this to have more heartache? What next and how long will it be until we finally meet our forever child? I still don’t have the answers two days later but I do know that God has never left us or forsaken us. I have learned that our family and friends have hearts that break with us, that through these trials Bryan and I continue to grow closer and closer and that this baby wasn’t meant to be our child but that there is a child somewhere that will be our child.
We continue to ask for your prayers during this time. This journey is not an easy journey, and sometimes it doesn’t make sense, but I do know that God has called Bryan and I to be parents and that our baby will come some day.
Normally I post a bible verse at the end of my post but today I’m posting a video of the song that continues to speak to me this week. Below is the verse from a song that Bryan and I agreed is definitely how we feel. This is from Ryan Stevenson’s song Eye of the Storm
When my hopes and dreams are far from me
And I’m running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus’ name
In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm