It’s been a few weeks since I last posted, and we are still in the application process. We had hoped to have already submitted our application but due to my recent surgery and being out of work, we decided that financially it would be best to wait a few more weeks. So unfortunately, I do not have much to update about the adoption process itself. However, when I first decided to write this blog I told myself I was going to be honest; I wanted people to not only see the joyful parts of the process but also the struggle of raw emotions happening inside of me. With this past week being Mother’s Day, my heart went through a lot of transformation.
In the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day I noticed myself becoming very bitter. Bitter that once again I would spend another year without a child of my own, and now not even officially enrolled with an adoption agency on the road to finding our forever child. I was taught that God still works miracles, that God can do things that doctors can’t, and that maybe, just maybe God was going to change his mind and allow me to become pregnant. I told God that if he blessed me with pregnancy I would praise Him and if he didn’t, I would still praise Him. Although it is not always easy to praise him each month when the reality comes that I am not pregnant, I trust Him and will walk by faith. I prayed that God would help me to be grateful, and not bitter this Mother’s day and He began to change my heart.
I began to think about what I do have instead of what I don’t have this year.
- I have a husband who loves me, supports me and walks through all of this with me every day.
- I have family and friends who continue to support me
- I have my own mother to celebrate
- I have a God who continues to stand by me in this storm.
I’m not going to pretend that Sunday was easy and that I didn’t tear up at different times in the day, but this Mother’s Day was very different from the ones the past few years.
- I was able to celebrate with those who were celebrating their first Mother’s Day as mothers without bitterness.
- I was able to appreciate the fact that I still have my own mom with me each day to continue to learn from and mourn with those who didn’t have their mothers.
- I was able to see that God is using this time to work on me and mold me into a better person.
I had to stop and realize that I’m not the only one struggling this year and how dare I act that way. I have to stop and thank several friends and family who made a point to let me know that they were thinking of me and how hard of a day it was for me. I appreciate the text, private Facebook messages and cards I got from friends telling me that they were praying for me, they were there for me, and they continue to walk this path with me. I appreciate that every one of them, even if they also have dealt with infertility themselves, let me know that they understand that every situation is different and they don’t pretend to know what I’m feeling but they understand it is hard. And I do believe this helped me this year.
I don’t know if this is the last year I have to spend Mother’s Day without a child or if it will be 5 more, or if I ever will have a child of my own. But I am learning that God is with me and continues to remind me that He is there for me.
Please continue to pray for Bryan and I throughout this process. Pray that we will be able to turn in our application within the next month. Pray that our finances will continue to improve to allow this process to work out for us. Pray that we will continue to grow closer together and closer to Him.
2 Corinthians 5:7
For we walk by faith, not by sight.